There is a cruel irony in God’s love…a love, as I have been informed, is expressed in creation. Avoiding any pantheistic drivel, I will ignore a banal celebration of the beauty of God’s design in nature. I’ll leave that to the others who are so caught up in a distracting romanticism. The unique and persistent problem which will never be cured is the problem of oneself. If we depart from the more convenient pantheistic expressions which sees God in everything and reduce that scope to the individual…the creation of the individual as a manifestation of God’s love, then a problem arises. The self must be continually over come in an attempt to free oneself from the misguided rationality which pervades our preservation and desire. I’m not talking about that enlightenment reality which seeks to merge the juxtaposed worlds of philosophy and faith in a blissful union…the reality I speak of is informed by the need to survive. Our desires must be continually set against the will of God..although, it is not something so simple as trading one will for another. Rather, it is an effort which seeks to part the Red Sea, so to speak, to make room for that which we do not know, cannot understand, and are hard pressed to recognize it for what it is.
My desires, my loves, my passions, which to some individuals come so clearly as to not even be questioned, must fight against two opposing forces, one which is possible to defeat, and the other which is impossible to defeat. The first of which I’ll call “conventional wisdom,” that nagging practical sensibility which always encourages one to temper devotion in order to progress in an even keel. It encourages one to leave doors open, to have a back up plan…all of which simply distracts your devotion. The second opposing force is that honest faith, which must remove everything from the horizon in order to remain vulnerable to God’s will, and being that God’s will is a timeless mystery, that which we are so earnestly seeking can not be sought actively, but passively, it is sought in devoted reverence. God levels your existence, it levels your passions and pollutes them…it calls them selfish and worldly. That divine experience which you seek is essentially a denial of what was previously understood as divine creation…it is a denial of oneself, and there in lies the irony.
One, in honest faith, must deny any speculative thought which seeks to poetically merge self will and divine will. A christian is taught, and constantly reminded, of that eternal chasm between oneself and Christ, and so the chimeric hope that wills can be merged by way of one’s own desire, no matter how hard it is sought after, or no matter how much is sacrificed…that hope must be dismissed and replaced by a faith which wants nothing but the will of God; that will of God which is not (and cannot be assumed to be) necessarily expressed in God’s own prized creation by extension…that is, it can not be assumed that one’s own love or passion is an expression of God’s will through transitive property–no, in an explicit and unquestioned devotion–that is, in faith, we must be all too ready assume our will, and whatever rationalization we attempt to construct, to be separated from, and thereby opposed to, God’s will. A christian never achieves righteousness, and in that persistent search, he must remain silent and blind.
All of which I am not.
And perhaps, as I often do, I am making this too difficult (which in my opinion is the very least we owe God, an honest scrutiny of self, not of devotion). But, if we choose to understand God’s will simply as the act of love..then again, we are no closer..that is, we are no further away from our own pathetic apologetics and rationalizations.
One must be in constant conflict with oneself, and in that I enjoy a rather tranquil experience, I am being neglectful.