#8 (a redundant way of expressing an unoriginal sentiment)

If God were more demonstrative (if He made himself more easily affordable); if my ears and eyes could become more aware to the language that reveals itself in episodes that occur in the midst of the subtle happenings I experience each day (what  experiences could Chesapeake offer other than those which are subtle?), maybe then I would be saved. Or maybe, more likely, I would become a person who wishes to build his existence upon the merits of his own ambition, peppered with quick glances to the heavens to make sure I give proper thanks. The modern christian existence! One has to be careful, and make sure to look to the sky each day and acknowledge a beauty lest one begin to lead what I would call the “natural” life, a life I’ve been warned against my whole life.

I am a person with the worst kind of self-assertiveness. The kind that pretends to be humble, one that pretends to remain a conduit, while in reality, I fit right in with my generation. All eyes forward on that which I can make of myself, as they say, “realizing my own potential.”

My history is one of clumsy proclamations, wide and immature eyes, treason, hypocrisy, foot in mouth disease, humility, learning, experience, but all done while suffering with the handicap of non-retention. With an ill advised faith, perhaps I will be granted a lucid dream that I will have the mind to record. That can be the only reason that I continue to have faith, a grotesque faith in myself, based on my worship of idols, idols whom God endowed with that which I envy. A compound sin!

Now if I’m allowed to assume a level of “concern” which I hope to attain, it is quite unsettling to be honest. Honesty is that which leads me to confess my focus, a focus that is consumed with my own self. Indeed, the “self” is viewed in relation to the “divinity”, although, the direction is backwards. I pray God will forgive honesty. He is not easily fooled, so to merely dress myself in spiritual behavior, I would assume, could be taken as insult. Blaspheme in the house of the holy! I feel it better worth my conscious and better worth His time, to be up front. Confession dear God!–I am not spiritually consumed, I am concerned with spirituality in the wrong direction. Although, as easy as it may be to simply “change,” well, I feel I owe God more than that.

Oh Irony! That which I feel convicted as necessary and honest could very well be understood as self righteous humanism. Who am I to know the best route to genuine reconciliation?  (Nietzsche just rolled over in his grave) Without that which I can only attain with honesty, I am a bag of bones. My own ethics prevents peace, a peace which supersedes ethics. Backwards indeed.

If God is the giver of life, then he is also the giver of a healthy skepticism.


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2 comments
  1. katie k. from ohio said:

    hi zach,

    i just wanted to say i have missed your blog in recent years. i stopped checking in regularly sometime between when the old MAE board went down and the new maeteam site went up. last year when i saw that your old exzachly-zach blog was full of spam i was so sad! anyway, i’m glad to see you are still laying your thoughts out there for all to see. you are a unique thinker and i appreciate the opportunity to observe and enjoy some of your mental gymnastics.

    i was both stoked and saddened to get the email about the goodbye, goodnight tour today.

    i’m sure great things are in store for you creatively and in general, and i hope to see you in the fall.

    ❤ katie

    ps: this might be totally random, but for some reason while reading this entry i was reminded of a testimony/exhortation i heard at a missions conference i attended this past december. the speaker is a missionary of korean descent serving in nagoya, japan. he spoke about the difficult implications of unconditional grace, and his story was one of the most powerful i heard that week.

    there's a video here, if you're interested in watching: http://www.vimeo.com/8508657

  2. stephen christian said:

    ‘My history is one of clumsy proclamations, wide and immature eyes, treason, hypocrisy, foot in mouth disease, humility, learning, experience, but all done while suffering with the handicap of non-retention.’

    i can relate with all of the following except humility it seems. you would think that epic failure would come epic retention for at the very least pain aversion. but not me. what a great post!

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