I was accused of being bitter today. I won’t assume that the person was too serious. Considering, what I am sure was the motivation for making the observation, it would be very strange if it was meant to be taken to heart. Either way, I have indeed been categorized as “bitter” before, although I’ve never made it a goal to express that sentiment with any kind of intention. I have never wanted to be identified as bitter, similarly, I have never wanted to be considered caucasian, but I am. I am caucasian, and I can do nothing about that. I wonder if I am bitter, and is there anything I can do about that? It is impossible to make objective judgements about ones own character, just as it is impossible for anyone else to make generalizations about someone else’s character without intimate knowledge. There is something that is so temporary and fleeting about an experience with someone else. Consistency can create theories, but even those hypothesized ideas can be passionately refuted by brazen and disrespectful displays of self assertiveness. Those rebirths can be as glorious as they can be hideous, revealing and damaging. The reigning in of one’s reputation, the stealing back of control over the self, recapturing an idea of the self that has been trampled by cheap and opportunistic claims of greedy spectators. It’s a rebellion of the utmost reverence. Rebellion for the cause of one’s self, not out of a desire for betterment, but out of a desire to take back claim on the essence which has been stolen from you, is always more justified than a rebellion for any other cause.
Although, one has to be careful. Fighting for a pure self should not be confused with fighting for a better version of the self based on one’s own understanding. The struggle for a true spirit translates to a struggle for the divine, a struggle to align oneself in a way that leaves one eviscerated of experience, doused in alcohol to purify the canvas that is the soul. The affirmation of self is the denial of conscious will. If the moment we are born is the moment we begin dying, it can also be taken to meant that experience takes us further, not closer, from the purest version of ourself. How unfair it is to think that at the moment of our purest most lucid clarity, we are completely unaware of ourselves, yet it is very telling! Adam ate the apple, just as we desired exposure to life. It is a sin that we can’t avoid, and I do not blame Adam for succumbing to the natural desire to become aware of himself, to become conscious of existence. I thank Adam, for the original sin has made art possible. God, through his divine hand, has led Adam to the commit the most beautiful, the most consequential sin. Through the original sin we are given everything which makes life beautiful. God chose to let experience be revealed to Adam, God endowed Adam with sense perception, which reveals the art of creation to us all. Affirmation of self led to ego, it led to ambition. It led to the desire to expose, control, harness, express, and exploit the human experience. It led to the most beautiful ideas. God gave us experience, and it is our duty to give our experience back to him. It is our duty to do our best to display the shape shifting forms of divinity for everyone to see. We should mystify the divine, and shroud it with subjective slants, because in that way, it mirrors the enigmatic and discomforting nature of God himself.
From this point on, I think that I should no longer be a pusher of deception. I will no longer be a part of the movement which is deceiving others into thinking God to be reasonable. I will no longer spend my time, creating theories, bringing into account the arguments of metaphor and history, I will no longer concern myself with the task of explaining the moral abjection of God’s decrees. I will cease representing Christ at all. Somehow it has developed into a very offensive practice. In my mind, it can be compared to marking the majestic sistine chapel with red pen, pointing out the beauty of it with bright lights, describing the colors with laser pointers, all for the sake of doing my best to reveal the genius of that work to on lookers, as if they need any filter at all in order to recognize the miracle. I see no benefit of making ones faith into an external affair, one to be mocked, or worst yet, supported, by on lookers. I’ve heard it said that the repression of emotions will cause those thoughts to fester, to mutate and grow grotesque, and over come your mind and soul. Well, if that is true, then I do indeed wish to keep my faith internal. It is necessary. I will resign my faith to the dark shameful confines of my own insides, for nothing could even come close to curing my insides more so than Divinity himself!